girls have unique powers
they get wet without water
bleed without an injury &&
make boneless things get hard

 

ho-lla-back girl
n. I have no idea what it means but apparently
Gwen Stefani isn't one and it has something to do with <<bananas >>

Thank you for Not Smoking. Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It contaminates the air, pollutes my hair and clothes, not to mention my lungs. This takes place without my consent. I have a pleasure, also. I like a beer now and then. The residue of my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on a chair and pissed on your head and your clothes without your consent?

Homer: " Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?"
Marge: "Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa."
Lisa: "Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product."
Bart: "You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?"
Homer: "Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning."
Marge: "Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart."
Homer: "Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out."
Marge: "Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said."
Homer: "Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case."
Bart: "Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to."
Homer: "Bart, go to your room."

Guys are complete asses all the time. Girls just have a special week out of every month to finally have an excuse to be a complete bitch about everything.

Every time I go to the doctors I get a jacket, a straight one. It makes me feel special because I get to hug myself

No more bitch pills for YOU miss crabby ass

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy." -Henry Kissinger

If at first you don't succeed, ask him if he has a brother J

 

I may be the girl of us two, but I think I've proven I've got way more balls. - Morgan Cook

His American Eagle pants-$48
His Abercrombie and Fitch shirt-$38
His Calvin Klien boxers-$17
Seeing them all on my floor the next morning... PRICELESS

there are plenty of reasons to hate me. i just don't want people to hate me because of half-truths, partical truths, and rumors

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun

 

Love your enemies. It really pisses them off!

 

If Tylenol, duct tape and a band-aid can't fix it...you've got serious problems

Kinda makes you wanna sit on the guys roof with a dart gun and shoot him as he walks out, doesn't it?

I'm the kinda person who laughs at a joke 3 times
(once) when it's told
(once) when it's explained to me
(once) 5 minutes later when I finally get it

There are people I would take a bullet for and people I would like to put a bullet in

 

So put that in your juice box and suck it!

 

If its a good idea, go ahead and do it, it's much easier to apologise than it is to get permission 

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as Gods. Cats have never forgotten this

"When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that could write in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface, and at temperatures from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil." 

Sorry can't talk now. Busy licking the thick white stuff off the top of a long hard thing! WHAT?! You pervert!! Im eating Vanilla ice cream off a cone! GEEEZ!!

"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned."

I’m smiling because you’re my brother and laughing because you can’t do anything about it.

 

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play and have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you back into the womb, you spend your last 9 months floating... you finish off as an orgasm. - George Carlin

 

I have pms and a gun NOW do you have something to say?  

a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is part of a tree, a tree is a part of nature, and nature is beautiful, so the next time you call me a bitch THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT  

 

Gone suing Kellogg's. I clearly heard my Rice Crispies say "Snap, Crackle, Fuck You"

 

I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself, so if I get back before I return, please ask me to wait.

 

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up.

If you're falling off a cliff you might as well try to fly, you've got nothing else to lose.

 

"Boys are cheats and liars their such a big disgrace, they will tell you anything to get to second baseball, baseball they think their gunna score. If you let them go all the way then you are a whore...aculture studies flowers geologist study rocks. The only thing he wants from you is a place to put his cock.....roaches, beetles, butterflies, and bugs. Nothing makes him happier than a giant pair of jugglers and acrobats and a dancing bear named Chuck all guys really want to do is forget it no such luck!"

 

God has a great sense of humor look at ostriches!- FRIENDS

 

That’s between you, me and Fred, the invisible dancing monkey

 

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?

You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You're not.
He has a date coming over tonight.
You only have one ass.

Some people are alive simply because it's against the law to kill them

Tragedy is when you cut your finger off. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating student as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole.

 

'Be yourself' is the worst advice you could give some people.

 

There is in fact a different between crazy and insane. A crazy person will walk down the street shooting people. An insane person will do it in a clown suit.

 

Here let me poke you in the eye then maybe you'll get my point

 

This isn't a school. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting

 

Just about the time one begins to believe he's seen clear to the bottom of the well of human stupidity, someone comes along and reminds you that the well apparently has no bottom.

 

"In a world of pollution, profanity, zits, abuse, broccoli, racism, ozone depletion, sexism, stupid guys and PMS, why the hell do people still tell me to have a nice day?"

 

"I don't care how bad that wreck is...you gonna walk away from it because your so tough that they couldn't castrate you with a chainsaw" Suitcase Jake

 

If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Oh sure, it seems obvious now, but you'd be amazed at how many people don't think of it when it's relevant. Seriously, just punch them in the face and go get some ice cream

 

Put me in a room with him and you'll hear more noises than an herbal essenses commercial